THIS WILL DEFINITELY MAKE YOU LAUGH!


 

Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 14, 1972

Dearest Hunter,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.What a thoroughly delightful gift.I couldn’t have been more surprised.

With deepest love and devotion,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 15, 1972

Dearest Hunter,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.Just imagine – two turtle doves.I am so delighted at your very thoughtful gift.They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 16, 1972

Dear Hunter,

Oh!Aren’t you the extravagant one! Now, I really must protest.I don’t deserve such generosity, three French hens.They are just darling but, I must insist, you’ve been too kind.

Love,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 17, 1972

Dear Hunter,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds.Now really, they are beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough.You’re being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 18, 1972

Dearest Hunter,

What a surprise.Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger.You’re just impossible, but I love it.Frankly, all those birds squeaking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 19, 1972

Dear Hunter,

When I opened the door, there were actually six geese a laying on my front steps.So you’re to the birds again, huh?Where will I ever keep them?The neighbors are complaining and I can sleep through the racket.

Please stop,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 20, 1972

Hunter,

What’s with you and those fucking birds? ? ? ?Seven swans a swimming.What kind of God-damned joke is this?There’s bird shit all over the house and I’m a nervous wreck.It’s not funny.So stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 21, 1972

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds.What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking?It’s not enough with all those birds and eight maids a milking, but they had to bring their God-damned cows.There is shit all over the lawn and I can’t move in my own house.Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 22, 1972

Hey Shithead,

What are you?Some kind of sadist?Now there are nine pipers playing.And Christ, do they play!They’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.The cows are getting upset and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds.What am I going to do?They neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

You’ll get yours,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 23, 1972

You rotten prick,

Now there are ten ladies dancing.I don’t know why I call those sluts ladies.They’ve been balling those pipers all night long.Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea.My living room is a river of shit.The Commissioner of Building has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn’t be condemned.

I’m siccing the police on you.

One who means it,

Agnes


Ms. Agnes McHolstein

69 Copeland Drive

New Canaan, CT.

December 24, 1972

Listen Fuckhead,

What’s with the eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies?Some of those broads will never walk again.Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.All twenty three of the birds are dead.They’ve been trampled to death in the orgy.I hope you’re satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes


Law Office

Badger, Bender and Cahole

303 Knave Street

Hartford, Connecticut

December 25, 1972

Dear Sir,

This letter is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen to inflict on my client Ms. Agnes McHolstein.The destruction, of course, was total.All correspondence should come to the attention of this law firm.If you should attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanatorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight.With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Badger, Bender and Cahole